Rolling Rock

i wonder if that one guy still hacks into this journal. nothing new really, shift manager at quiznos sub. working at rhino video games. still feeling for the girl. not feeling for the other girl. not really feeling much except for having fun...today i'll be in etown checking out high school bands and shit. my mom and sisters will be there, and so will brey. fucking sick. well i better go so i can catch them all. much love. oh yeah. life is so good. :)

i think it's great how much my life changes from one month to the other. but i always stay the same. i can't even say how i really feel at this moment. so i guess i'd better leave it here before i get to emo on it.

So everything has fallen apart in a way. Not my life but the lives of the people around me. It's hard to not care, but I'm trying really hard to keep to myself but they make it utterly impossible. Work was really easy today, and for the first time I handled a whole group of people by myself! It was amazing and they all loved my sandwiches! Sullivan University contacted me (with the correct information) and it looks pretty exciting, other than the fact that it is super ass expensive. I'm making music contacts...like there is a promoter than I will soon be in touch with regularly. I have a studio contact, he is the owner of the Quizno's I work at. well, one of the owners. He owns two studios...one for R&B and Hip-Hop and one for Rock. Emanuel recorded thier debut in his studio. I could POSSIBLY get thier enginer but that's just a shot to the moons chance. But Louisville is for real and has an amazing amount of possibilites for music. The thing that I feel differently this time around is, well...It's not super number one priority, music that is. School, a degree, a carrer, then music. I know the music thing will happen but if I play my cards right and think straight then I won't feel like music is all I have anymore. the love of my life gives me such clarity. I used to think it was dumb and silly that girls 'relied on a man' it's equal support and need. being reliable and dependable and responsible. Those are some of the things a real relationship, friendship, need. I think I have grown up...instead of some understanding I now have a lot of meaning and passion behind the things I do and am doing. Wow...I have had a really crappy week but, for some reason right now, I'm really happy. :-). much love.

-thomas

so the last few days have been something else i guess. working at Quiznos Subs is fun. I tried to avoid getting into a 'real' friendship with my roomate/landlord's "girlfriend"/co-worker but it was impossible because she is a really sweet girl and a cool person and my roomate/landlord is insecure with himself and acts like an ass whenever her and I are in a room. basically disrespecting me and the relationship i'm trying to build from the ground up with desiree all over again. it's the dumbest drama...it's so sdumb i'm not even mad. I'm just a little dissapointed that he could be living such a way. go christians. anyways...I drank a 40 tonight, but it wasn't fun. I drank by myself and have been sitting around watching tv and eating since. my 40 is gone, but whatever...it gave me a headache. If this situation hadn't happened then I would have someone to hang out with. ugh. whatever. I need to move out a.s.a.p. I won't be able to until next spring though. school is going to rock. music is going to rock. and i always rock. byyyah.

I'm sitting here listening to The Seltzer Ruby rough demos...I keep having to adjust the volume because these are some rough demos. I should go to bed soon because I have to get up at like 10 to go to work. I'm working though...I'll have like 46 hrs on this paycheck. I think I get paid six dollars an hour. There is a temp service that can get me on UPS though, I just need to make an appointment and stuff. I applied for ASCAP. I should know something in 10 days or so. Desiree and I are going to go see The Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Mars Volta on October 30th and 31st in Columbus and Clevland, Ohio. Next Friday I'm buying tickets. We can't find anyone else that really wants to go, so if your interested in seeing a good show I guess let me know or something. Anyways, I couldn't be happier right now. I have had a really good monday through wednesday. Desiree was here when I got off of work on Monday, but I was sick with a cold so I spent the night in Benadryl land. but tuesday and today were fun. She helped me climb a tree, we swung on the tree swing and watched tv. OH and we cooked Eggplant Parmaggion(sp) together. good fat times. I felt like Garfield after that meal. Fat and content! I did get some really sad news today. For anyone who has ever been to my house and met my two old ass dogs, Two-Bear and Gray, well Two-bear has cancer in his spleen. He went in to shock today, around noon and was in surgery by 3pm...He made it through the surgery but the next two days are a waiting game...and if he makes it through these days then the doctors only give him 2 to 3 months to live. My mom is really upset (just read her blog) and so are my little sisters. It makes me kinda wish I was there...but he is in my thoughts and I sent my love. I do want to see him before he passes but I know that won't happen. I fucked up by letting my van go to the dump or whereever it went or whoever took it or whatever. I should have gotten that shit fixed. oh well :). Things are so good here, and I'm making it happen. I really need a drink, or 5. I just haven't had one in soooooo long. ugh. anyways, some sprite will work. later.

Well...I started my new job today. Quizno's. let's do some math. will i be able to pay paul back the money i owe for rent before rent is due again. i stand at $700 dollars right now. obviously the answer is no since there are only two more weeks left in august. that will bring my total up to $1,100. and I just moved here. I'm trying not to stress about it, and I was doing fine until I started thinking about it and then I became angry. For at least two months I will go without money but here is the trick... I WILL be setting money aside for Red Hot Chili Peppers and school books. shhhhhh. I need to further my education in public speaking and writing and goddamn it, nothing is going to stop me from seeing my two favorite bands (RHCP and TMV) so kiss my ass debt. he'll get it eventually. besides, I've done enough work around this house to make up for it times ten. Enough of this stuff though...work was cool. easy as hell job. I had better be getting paid more than 6 fucking dollars. I think today I proved that I am worth more than 6something an hour. When i learn the mesurements and shit for the sandwhiches...some people might get fucked out of a job son! Be the next manager and shit...yeah RIGHT! I just want some money to pay off my debts and eventually have be able to start school next semester. I can't even get around to telling paul what i need to do before he has some plan out of his mouth that has nothing to do with me. I just don't know. music. woman. school. school. music. woman. I just can't stop thinking about that one special someone, and it's basically my drive to be succesful. and always has been. I want so much for us. goddamn it. am i stressed out? hell, i don't even know...most of the time, I feel like I'm floating into more and more trouble. making so many promises that I never keep. I've been in a debt of honesty to her for the longest time and I'm working hard to pay it off...on top of everything else. I really want to get loaded but that is a total no. I can only imagine what a let down that would be to everyone, and whenever i come out of it, myself. Saves the Day covering I'll melt with you...too good. I started listening to a lot of my old albums, to reset myself a ways. It's doing some work on my mind. So many emotions come out when I listen to these songs which take me back to certain times. good times. bad times. fun times. sad times. times full of laughter and times full of cursing and fighting. times of doubt and shame and times of glory and triumph. All in all, it won't matter in the end because my life thus far, if it were a pre-cursor of events to come, has been the best. Anyways, I really want to make a huge dinner and invite some from friends over to eat it, but all of my friends live a million miles away. The friends I do have here, wouldn't be interested in that, I guess. I cook for Brey and I sometimes, sometimes he cooks. That's it...usually when my friends show up it's like 2am or so...no one eats dinner at 2am. Sara left for Lexington on Wednesday supposedly, I haven't heard from her. I'll miss her and Bronson. I kinda miss Zack. I haven't heard from him in a few weeks. His girlfriend came back into town, and I can't blame him for blowing off the world for her. She gives him a lot of focus. He's lucky that she is around so conviently. Brey and Mine loves are so far away. maybe that's how we like to keep them. And it ain't right. I never get to talk this much and the most I ever talk is to myself. really. no joke. I'm alone a lot so i catch myself solving problems out loud. When I do talk to my roomates, it's usually about problems they are having, mostly with each other. speaking of roomates, one of them will be back at one. it's almost 12. I bet she comes back fucking toasted. that would be cool. I guess. I'm not toasted. I have just enough Gin to make myself one drink. I might take that dive, but I hate drinking by myself anymore. I was such a lush in cincinnati...I miss it really. but I owe too much money to be that all over again. I'm afraid it will be that way whenever I get all paid and steady. and in school. hopefully I'll have won a heart so that way I can make it back to boozehound central. I really need a few drinks. It's so hot in this house...and we don't have any toilet paper. My parents still haven't sent any money, and letters...I hardly get a phone call. Whatever. :-). I guess I'll make it...If I didn't have this foodstamp card (which eleviated a lot of stress off my shoulders) then...yeah. My voice is almost back to tip top shape, or at least somewhere where I am comfortable. I still have problems moving notes...I never had that probolem before but I guess I can thank whiskey for that. thank you whiskey, you viral pirate hussy. anyways...it might be doodoo.

They don't live by the old gun...they die by it.

I'm not ready to be with you and I never will be.

Yo world. I posted some new pictures on myspace. finally sent the aqua teen pic to adultswim.com. my new tattoo is up. booyakasha.

I still feel like ass. I still don't have a job and i can't shake this loneliness. i might be happier if i just buckled down and get with the program but i don't even know what the program is anymore because i lost it. I should be asleep and would but IV came over tonight and i'm making sure his shit downloads proper. There is this one song that is giving me a shitload of trouble. I'm so tired. I hope my mom wasn't lying when she said 'yeah i sent that money saturday' because it didn't come today. or yesterday. and i begged for it three weeks ago. i just want to help out with this money situation seeing that i don't have any. fuck rent. i need to go back to wandering the earth. i knew it was a mistake to give away my phone number, address, basically tell people that i am alive. I don't mind any of my normal friends and i'm glad i talk to a few people i haven't seen in years but i can't even keep up with myself and they all want me to 'come visit' and 'check out how awesome my life is!' and stuff. maybe i'm jealous cause my life is shit most of the time. i dunno. but seeing people roll in happiness kinda makes me sick. i mean good for them and all, but why rub it in MY face, i thought we were pals you know? and they know it in the back of thier mind, what they are doing. or maybe i just smoke too much and am super parinoid. or maybe I'm just a racist. just kidding. at least i'll never loose my sense of humor. i just ran out of cigs. even if i did have the money to get more, i wouldn't. someone might need the shirt off my back and wouldn't mind using thier fist to get it. i've been working out lately, on a strict schedule because i thought maybe if i looked better, i'd feel better. i forgot that the whole looking better part isn't instant. and there is a lot of work to do, let me tell you. my stomache is a tub of mashed potatoes. my legs used to belong to a cow named bertha and my tits are tweenie tits. where is my trainer, i think they might be sagging. whatever. oh and the fact i have no stamina at all and i don't breath properly because i smoke a lot. Panzer dan Vonzkrugen won't let me give up because he knows there is a show coming up soon and we need to be the hottest thing since the sun. i want people to want to drink the sweat off of me. i wonder, if i loose my gut if all of the hair will fall off of it. i got JOKES AND JOKES AND JOKES. i wish i had some spaghetti to go with it. love to all you rotten bastards. jokes. (edit) o just wanted to add that i FINALLY have the stolen against me! demo. I lost it awhile back but guess what? i just told you...I just got it back. Booyah!