Rolling Rock

i wonder if that one guy still hacks into this journal. nothing new really, shift manager at quiznos sub. working at rhino video games. still feeling for the girl. not feeling for the other girl. not really feeling much except for having fun...today i'll be in etown checking out high school bands and shit. my mom and sisters will be there, and so will brey. fucking sick. well i better go so i can catch them all. much love. oh yeah. life is so good. :)

i think it's great how much my life changes from one month to the other. but i always stay the same. i can't even say how i really feel at this moment. so i guess i'd better leave it here before i get to emo on it.

So everything has fallen apart in a way. Not my life but the lives of the people around me. It's hard to not care, but I'm trying really hard to keep to myself but they make it utterly impossible. Work was really easy today, and for the first time I handled a whole group of people by myself! It was amazing and they all loved my sandwiches! Sullivan University contacted me (with the correct information) and it looks pretty exciting, other than the fact that it is super ass expensive. I'm making music contacts...like there is a promoter than I will soon be in touch with regularly. I have a studio contact, he is the owner of the Quizno's I work at. well, one of the owners. He owns two studios...one for R&B and Hip-Hop and one for Rock. Emanuel recorded thier debut in his studio. I could POSSIBLY get thier enginer but that's just a shot to the moons chance. But Louisville is for real and has an amazing amount of possibilites for music. The thing that I feel differently this time around is, well...It's not super number one priority, music that is. School, a degree, a carrer, then music. I know the music thing will happen but if I play my cards right and think straight then I won't feel like music is all I have anymore. the love of my life gives me such clarity. I used to think it was dumb and silly that girls 'relied on a man' it's equal support and need. being reliable and dependable and responsible. Those are some of the things a real relationship, friendship, need. I think I have grown up...instead of some understanding I now have a lot of meaning and passion behind the things I do and am doing. Wow...I have had a really crappy week but, for some reason right now, I'm really happy. :-). much love.

-thomas

so the last few days have been something else i guess. working at Quiznos Subs is fun. I tried to avoid getting into a 'real' friendship with my roomate/landlord's "girlfriend"/co-worker but it was impossible because she is a really sweet girl and a cool person and my roomate/landlord is insecure with himself and acts like an ass whenever her and I are in a room. basically disrespecting me and the relationship i'm trying to build from the ground up with desiree all over again. it's the dumbest drama...it's so sdumb i'm not even mad. I'm just a little dissapointed that he could be living such a way. go christians. anyways...I drank a 40 tonight, but it wasn't fun. I drank by myself and have been sitting around watching tv and eating since. my 40 is gone, but whatever...it gave me a headache. If this situation hadn't happened then I would have someone to hang out with. ugh. whatever. I need to move out a.s.a.p. I won't be able to until next spring though. school is going to rock. music is going to rock. and i always rock. byyyah.

I'm sitting here listening to The Seltzer Ruby rough demos...I keep having to adjust the volume because these are some rough demos. I should go to bed soon because I have to get up at like 10 to go to work. I'm working though...I'll have like 46 hrs on this paycheck. I think I get paid six dollars an hour. There is a temp service that can get me on UPS though, I just need to make an appointment and stuff. I applied for ASCAP. I should know something in 10 days or so. Desiree and I are going to go see The Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Mars Volta on October 30th and 31st in Columbus and Clevland, Ohio. Next Friday I'm buying tickets. We can't find anyone else that really wants to go, so if your interested in seeing a good show I guess let me know or something. Anyways, I couldn't be happier right now. I have had a really good monday through wednesday. Desiree was here when I got off of work on Monday, but I was sick with a cold so I spent the night in Benadryl land. but tuesday and today were fun. She helped me climb a tree, we swung on the tree swing and watched tv. OH and we cooked Eggplant Parmaggion(sp) together. good fat times. I felt like Garfield after that meal. Fat and content! I did get some really sad news today. For anyone who has ever been to my house and met my two old ass dogs, Two-Bear and Gray, well Two-bear has cancer in his spleen. He went in to shock today, around noon and was in surgery by 3pm...He made it through the surgery but the next two days are a waiting game...and if he makes it through these days then the doctors only give him 2 to 3 months to live. My mom is really upset (just read her blog) and so are my little sisters. It makes me kinda wish I was there...but he is in my thoughts and I sent my love. I do want to see him before he passes but I know that won't happen. I fucked up by letting my van go to the dump or whereever it went or whoever took it or whatever. I should have gotten that shit fixed. oh well :). Things are so good here, and I'm making it happen. I really need a drink, or 5. I just haven't had one in soooooo long. ugh. anyways, some sprite will work. later.

Well...I started my new job today. Quizno's. let's do some math. will i be able to pay paul back the money i owe for rent before rent is due again. i stand at $700 dollars right now. obviously the answer is no since there are only two more weeks left in august. that will bring my total up to $1,100. and I just moved here. I'm trying not to stress about it, and I was doing fine until I started thinking about it and then I became angry. For at least two months I will go without money but here is the trick... I WILL be setting money aside for Red Hot Chili Peppers and school books. shhhhhh. I need to further my education in public speaking and writing and goddamn it, nothing is going to stop me from seeing my two favorite bands (RHCP and TMV) so kiss my ass debt. he'll get it eventually. besides, I've done enough work around this house to make up for it times ten. Enough of this stuff though...work was cool. easy as hell job. I had better be getting paid more than 6 fucking dollars. I think today I proved that I am worth more than 6something an hour. When i learn the mesurements and shit for the sandwhiches...some people might get fucked out of a job son! Be the next manager and shit...yeah RIGHT! I just want some money to pay off my debts and eventually have be able to start school next semester. I can't even get around to telling paul what i need to do before he has some plan out of his mouth that has nothing to do with me. I just don't know. music. woman. school. school. music. woman. I just can't stop thinking about that one special someone, and it's basically my drive to be succesful. and always has been. I want so much for us. goddamn it. am i stressed out? hell, i don't even know...most of the time, I feel like I'm floating into more and more trouble. making so many promises that I never keep. I've been in a debt of honesty to her for the longest time and I'm working hard to pay it off...on top of everything else. I really want to get loaded but that is a total no. I can only imagine what a let down that would be to everyone, and whenever i come out of it, myself. Saves the Day covering I'll melt with you...too good. I started listening to a lot of my old albums, to reset myself a ways. It's doing some work on my mind. So many emotions come out when I listen to these songs which take me back to certain times. good times. bad times. fun times. sad times. times full of laughter and times full of cursing and fighting. times of doubt and shame and times of glory and triumph. All in all, it won't matter in the end because my life thus far, if it were a pre-cursor of events to come, has been the best. Anyways, I really want to make a huge dinner and invite some from friends over to eat it, but all of my friends live a million miles away. The friends I do have here, wouldn't be interested in that, I guess. I cook for Brey and I sometimes, sometimes he cooks. That's it...usually when my friends show up it's like 2am or so...no one eats dinner at 2am. Sara left for Lexington on Wednesday supposedly, I haven't heard from her. I'll miss her and Bronson. I kinda miss Zack. I haven't heard from him in a few weeks. His girlfriend came back into town, and I can't blame him for blowing off the world for her. She gives him a lot of focus. He's lucky that she is around so conviently. Brey and Mine loves are so far away. maybe that's how we like to keep them. And it ain't right. I never get to talk this much and the most I ever talk is to myself. really. no joke. I'm alone a lot so i catch myself solving problems out loud. When I do talk to my roomates, it's usually about problems they are having, mostly with each other. speaking of roomates, one of them will be back at one. it's almost 12. I bet she comes back fucking toasted. that would be cool. I guess. I'm not toasted. I have just enough Gin to make myself one drink. I might take that dive, but I hate drinking by myself anymore. I was such a lush in cincinnati...I miss it really. but I owe too much money to be that all over again. I'm afraid it will be that way whenever I get all paid and steady. and in school. hopefully I'll have won a heart so that way I can make it back to boozehound central. I really need a few drinks. It's so hot in this house...and we don't have any toilet paper. My parents still haven't sent any money, and letters...I hardly get a phone call. Whatever. :-). I guess I'll make it...If I didn't have this foodstamp card (which eleviated a lot of stress off my shoulders) then...yeah. My voice is almost back to tip top shape, or at least somewhere where I am comfortable. I still have problems moving notes...I never had that probolem before but I guess I can thank whiskey for that. thank you whiskey, you viral pirate hussy. anyways...it might be doodoo.

They don't live by the old gun...they die by it.

I'm not ready to be with you and I never will be.

Yo world. I posted some new pictures on myspace. finally sent the aqua teen pic to adultswim.com. my new tattoo is up. booyakasha.

I still feel like ass. I still don't have a job and i can't shake this loneliness. i might be happier if i just buckled down and get with the program but i don't even know what the program is anymore because i lost it. I should be asleep and would but IV came over tonight and i'm making sure his shit downloads proper. There is this one song that is giving me a shitload of trouble. I'm so tired. I hope my mom wasn't lying when she said 'yeah i sent that money saturday' because it didn't come today. or yesterday. and i begged for it three weeks ago. i just want to help out with this money situation seeing that i don't have any. fuck rent. i need to go back to wandering the earth. i knew it was a mistake to give away my phone number, address, basically tell people that i am alive. I don't mind any of my normal friends and i'm glad i talk to a few people i haven't seen in years but i can't even keep up with myself and they all want me to 'come visit' and 'check out how awesome my life is!' and stuff. maybe i'm jealous cause my life is shit most of the time. i dunno. but seeing people roll in happiness kinda makes me sick. i mean good for them and all, but why rub it in MY face, i thought we were pals you know? and they know it in the back of thier mind, what they are doing. or maybe i just smoke too much and am super parinoid. or maybe I'm just a racist. just kidding. at least i'll never loose my sense of humor. i just ran out of cigs. even if i did have the money to get more, i wouldn't. someone might need the shirt off my back and wouldn't mind using thier fist to get it. i've been working out lately, on a strict schedule because i thought maybe if i looked better, i'd feel better. i forgot that the whole looking better part isn't instant. and there is a lot of work to do, let me tell you. my stomache is a tub of mashed potatoes. my legs used to belong to a cow named bertha and my tits are tweenie tits. where is my trainer, i think they might be sagging. whatever. oh and the fact i have no stamina at all and i don't breath properly because i smoke a lot. Panzer dan Vonzkrugen won't let me give up because he knows there is a show coming up soon and we need to be the hottest thing since the sun. i want people to want to drink the sweat off of me. i wonder, if i loose my gut if all of the hair will fall off of it. i got JOKES AND JOKES AND JOKES. i wish i had some spaghetti to go with it. love to all you rotten bastards. jokes. (edit) o just wanted to add that i FINALLY have the stolen against me! demo. I lost it awhile back but guess what? i just told you...I just got it back. Booyah!

it's pretty difficult to eat today. My jaw is sore and i got pretty drunk last night. Not beer though. I went to the store to buy beer for my friend Rob and on my way back i get jumped by a white dude and a black dude. they were pretty thug. I got hit twice in the head and i hit him in the side of his face. they ran away with my beer. pretty fucked up. so IV took me to the store and he bought me Gin since i used every last penny i had to buy the beer to which i was going to comemerate my friends', robs', life and celebrate his passing and with this beer drink to his next life. that got shot down pretty quickly. but IV understood that i was already in pain, not from the blows, but by my friends' passing. so the night didn't end on some somber note. I drank my ass of, still, in the name of crazy rob. fucking rock on rob.

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today is a day for fucking victory

let me say first happy birthday to josh stokes. he turned 21 or something. good for you buddy. second thing i would say if i actually had something to say is...well...I don't know how i feel about the mars volta's new album. i cheated and listened to it earlier tonight and it's not as good as i thought it might be but maybe i need to give it some time since i only listened to it once. anyways, things are good. my stomache is always upset and i'm a nervous wreck all of the time. I applied for food stamps yesterday and will be getting a card on Friday next week. fucking sweet. i hope i have like 2 billion dollars on it because that is how poor i perceive myself at the moment even though it isn't entirely true at all by any means. I'm sitting in a house with some food and drinks on a computer pretending i'm sad. ha. I've been on a writing spree but everytime i write something i hear something that totally kicks its ass. but i'm sure when people play all of the parts then it will sound amazing. just me and my guitar aren't cutting it. Brey wants to put on this coffee house show soon. i want it to be big as in i want everyone to play on the roof of this place. but i doubt it will happen. who knows man, i want to make it work. the line up so far is: The Seltzer Ruby and that's it. I've been talking to Tim Lynch about playing and he agreed so i guess him too. Playboyy a rapper here in louisville. you might recognize him from ComicView or something on BET. and i really want this soul group to perform. that would be the shit. pretty wide variety, ya dig. i hope it all works out. i am praying for a $10 to $12 an hour job to come my way. love

i didn't go to work today. i stayed awake until almost 11am. i didn't wake up to the alarm either. i want to work for UPS so UPS can help me pay for college. i at least want a degree so that way if i have to get a quick professional job then i can. yep. i think that i'm way too irresponsible i mean i think i've been talking about this college thing for a year now. Today though was a very different day for me. Sort of this eye opening reality check kinda deal. i gotta go.

went to work today, it was a hot walk. i was ten minutes late. haaaaa. peace.

i got a call from meijer asking me to come in for an interview. i'm also sitting at home cause paul bought a new computer. brand new. i did a load of laundry today, because paul bought a washer and dryer. trash service and cable will be here tuesday. iNsight. every single channel, 'including all of the playboy channels!' so says mr paul. it's a change. hopefully i get the job at meijer so that way i can stop being so squirly. it's been really fun these past weeks. i can't wait until two weeks from now, at least band camp can be over with. i really want this show thing to happen, but i want to be ready as well. zack isn't ready i guess...according to brey. i've gotten a lot of complements on my new tattoo. thanks for that. i dont have much more to say. be safe.

so i made it to the library today, i haven't slept in a few days. still on the hunt for a job. still got a mohawk. still waiting around for a big change and still waiting around to get a chance to shoot my guns. i have no idea where the nearest rifle range is, but when i find it, it is so fucking on. turns out i did break my ankle. and my wrist. that's why they were so screwed up. the doctor will break them again and set them or something. gah. i grilled out on sunday because i felt like it. it went pretty well. yeah right. brey was on the phone the whole time of course. zack hung out with me most of the time but then he was drunk so he got on the phone as well. i was all alone pretty much the whole time. but i grilled burgers and dogs and they all were eaten. and enjoyed. i've noticed i'm alone a lot here. like i jumped into these peoples lives, these lives were already in motion. and my life has been going nowhere, of my own doing, but still it's weird to have such expectations like a friend in need but instead you are the friend in need. of attention that is. i really don't get enough attention, and i'm a hard-on for it. i didn't realize it as a truth until i was here, with no one to talk to. no guitar to play, well not enough strings on it. and it didn't take long to realize this i guess, being ignored for phone calls and such. i find a friend in the walls. i seriously get drunk and pretend that i have a cell phone as well, but instead i'm talking to the walls. fuck me. oh well, my walls make me one thousand promises of a better tomorrow. i constantly need attention or to feel wanted. how disgusting. i looked forever for any copy of Sin City...the computer told me there was one left here in this library but of course, it was nowhere to be found. I'm sure someone stole it. i need a job so i can start paying bills. and have money to buy my friends with. i see everyone else doing it, and i need to cash in before time runs out, but i never see my friends buying each other. i have good friends. i miss ya'll. haha, i typed "ya'll". welcome back to Kentucky, Thomas.

it's been good so far. this job thing is crazy. the runaround is sucking ass. other than that, at least i'm chillin. fuck.

Tell me how could you compromise
Yourself like this?
Tell me how could you blame anyone else
When you aren't really committed?
Tell me where was your head
When you broke that promise to yourself,
The one where you don't forget
Every life lesson that happend before your eyes
So you don't wake up to regret she's gone years away?
You had hopes and dreams of a day
Where everything, everything, everything would come together,
You wouldn't have to be so scared.

i'm sitting at desiree's house and other than the stuffiness of the humidity and the shitty home movies, i'd say i'm ok. well, saying i'm ok, that's stretching it a bit. i have no alcohol. no weed. nothing. absolutle zero percent chance i'll sleep tonight. how many times have i seen this same video/heard this same song. get over yourself. anyways, i almost saw this rad video from when i lived in paducah but it was too boring i guess even though it has a lot of musicality. whatever. i'm gonna go be bored. maybe eat my hand. peace.